LeTTer To SanTa~!

Dear SanTa,

Christmas is just around the corner, so here I am writing this letter to dear Santa. Santa, I dunno who shud I express all tis to. M crying again now, AGAIN!!!!! Arghhhhhhhh!!!! I knw I knw, I am useless. I’ve been crying a lot lately, mayb cos m weak, I am sad, m tired of everything. Santa, can u pls gt me out from tis world? I m so lost, it’s like I dunno wat I want, who I am, wat m goin 2 do, it’s confusing, it’s scary, can I b sum1 without emotions? can I b sum1 without feeling? without love? without heart?

I knw I shud b the 1 who control my mind, but seem like I can't. How can we stop thinking about the past? I hate my past, my mistakes, my stupidity, my irrationality, my dad and everything. Did my past make me a stronger person? or d other way round? Sometimes, I am extremely ok, living a happy life, enjoying myself. Sometimes, m not, cos I cry 2 much, like a baby. I don wanna b a baby. Santa, m a good gal 2, I never take anything or any1 for granted, I never did anything bad....I love my family, my friends and others with all my heart, m not a bad gal k....

Santa, pls, all I want tis x'mas is 2 b sum1 happy and hoping that my mom can always b happy and healthy. I don nid sweets, chocs, gifts or watever, I don mind nt being rich, not hvin a guy that loves me...I just nid happiness. My mom's happiness = My happiness. It doesn’t matter if m all alone, if he's not d 1, if I wont b able 2 find my Mr. Right, I just don gv a damn anymore. I hate this same, endless, stupid cycle. I knw I shud nt hate so much....m sorry! I knw I shud nt complain so much...I knw I knw I knw.....just let me b selfish for 1 time.......just 1 time will do.

Sometimes, we tot that we'll hv sum1 who really cares for us, sum1 that says I love/like you and meant it, sum1 that will never gv up on u, sum1 that will b there for you, but wat if we found sum1 that r not there when u're crying, when u're weak, when u nid sum1, when all u want is 2 knw that he exists! Hmmmh....mayb I expect 2 much......Questions!!!....Santa, can u gv me answers? I don mind if you don wanna gv me things tru my window, into d sock, but at least let me knw my answers in my dream and happiness in reality. If crying means m not a good gal, then I promise I'll try my best nt to cry anymore. Santa, I really do hope u'll gt my letter. Thanks Santa!


- KeLs -

Just like wat I’ve commented in CmeI's blog, mayb santa owns a laptop 2, and he's reading my blog now. Hehe! There are certain things I always tell myself I'm never going to do it again. Certain mistakes I'll never repeat, certain ways in which I'll never allow myself to be hurt again, knowing that it's entirely painful to open myself up to someone so completely that he can read me like a book, read between my lines, fill in the spaces. There are certain things that no one will ever understand about me. Certain things that I'll never see or understand about myself but I continually promise myself that I will not give in again, that I won't let it happen this time, that I won't feel that pain again because I won't get emotionally involved or, because it will be right...so right!

Right now all I feel is such intense pain that I don't even see light at the end of this vast labyrinth, maze, tunnel? Why do I allowed myself to love again? and now I am hurting. Again. And this is my pathetic cycle. I hesitate, then, I become emotionally attached, I surrender, I give in, something inside of me decides it's ok to care about a man deeply again, and I do, and I lose. I ache. My head splits wide open in literal pain, my heart bleeds a slow death. On the outside I appear strong, smiling, standing up straight, laughing, flirting. Inside, I am a broken little girl whose hopes have been dashed.

Now, I feel something familiar, something eating me from the inside out, gnawing away on all the juicy innards of my soul so that all that's left is the empty shell, a shadow of who I used to be. The real me is hiding somewhere and it's up to me to find.......ME!

But tonight the only thing that's right is for me to lie on my bed listening to my fav song on repeat, pondering the words, feeling the music seeping through my skin into my blood running thick and hot, and be emotional, be sad...which is perfectly all right, because I'm a woman, an emotional woman, and a goddamned strong one at that which doesn't mean I don't have my moments...

Once, there was this guy who asked me, why m I always sad? Y do I complain so much and others……I told him m disappointed after hearing his questions, he asked as if I want to be sad, as if I’ll choose to be sad if I gt 2 b happy, as if I don wanna b happy, as if I enjoy crying, enjoy being sad, enjoy being emotional……r u sure that there’s sum1 in tis world who smile, laugh, happy, no probs, 24 hours a day? 7 days a week, 365 days a year? U sure? Of cos nt la dear………. we are not machines, we’re human, and emotions are a fundamental part of who we are. In fact, emotions are essential to our survival, our success, and our happiness. Sometimes, m sure sum of you might wonder, hehe...why do I always cry?....Well, good ma, I am facing sum sleeping problem, smtg like insomnia but I don think so kua......There are varying degrees of insomnia, the first, where you have difficulty actually falling asleep. This is termed as Initial Insomnia. Sum of you might also wonder why I don wanna sleep r, y on9 til so late r.....Helloooo.....I wanna sleep k, but I can't! Therefore, I nid a good cry ....then ma tired lo....then ma sleep lo..........Muahahahaha~!

Life is short, love with all ur heart and don expect 2 much. I rmb Chong Hee telling me about we shud nt always expect smtg in return. Do whatever you wanna do, sacrifice or others, sincerely. Well, it’s Life! U gv gv and gv and don expect to take take and take. Weird huh? Not fair huh? True…that’s Life!

I think m really a weirdo....Hehe! Just nw very sad then after bla bla bla bla bla bla bla-ing d....m now ok d wo.....Muahahahaha~! Yeah! 10 hours later m goin 2 shopping with PP!!! wIshIng aLL oF YoU....Have a nIce DaY~!